


In the Shire Reckoning: 1432: Yuletide Gone Awry

by Thuri



Category: Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-11-30
Updated: 2003-11-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:40:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thuri/pseuds/Thuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holidays are hard for everyone</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Shire Reckoning: 1432: Yuletide Gone Awry

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [](http://sunhawkaerie.livejournal.com/profile)[**sunhawkaerie**](http://sunhawkaerie.livejournal.com/) for the amazingly fast beta and constant support during writing. This one was hard, folks. Birthday mathom for [](http://piratesorka.livejournal.com/profile)[**piratesorka**](http://piratesorka.livejournal.com/) Her request was: _Dom/Billy, Christmas holidays gone awry_. She was nice enough to let me change to Merry/Pippin, when I discovered I just can't write RPS! Tried to write a cute and funny fic, but the lads wouldn't let me. Major spoilers for In The Shire Reckoning in this, as it takes place later than anything but Heroine. Hope you'll read anyway, but if you want to be surprised . . . well, you've been warned.

Yuletide. Gifts, and greenery, and song. And food, of course. One could never forget the food. And family. Huge, multi generational, extremely extended family.

Pippin hung back at the edge of the room, watching the swirling mass of laughing hobbits with dark eyes. Merry caught sight of him, losing the thread of his conversation with Estella.

"Merry? Are you listening to me?" She hardly sounded upset, but the glass of wine in her hand may have had something to do with that.

Merry dragged his attention back with an effort. "Sorry, Estel," he said, his eyes still on Pippin. He knew that look. "I . . . Would you excuse me?"

She followed the direction of his gaze. "Of course, Merry. Go to him."

Merry spared her a smile, so glad she understood. He worked his way through the crowd, pausing to shake hands and exchange greetings when needed. It was, after all, his first Yule as Master of Buckland, and certain manners were expected of him. Consequently, it took him some time to reach the small corner of the room where Pippin sat, white knuckled hand wrapped around a mug of ale, eyes dark and staring at nothing.

Merry sat beside him on the bench, grateful that the alcove was partly screened from the rest of the room. "Are you all right?" he asked softly.

Pippin shivered suddenly, seeming to come back to himself. "No," he replied, just as softly.

"What can I do?" Merry asked, laying a hand on Pippin's shoulder. He longed to pull him into his arms, but remained mindful of the many eyes on them.

Pippin sighed. "Nothing, right now. Go be Master of the Hall, Merry. Go celebrate Yule with the family. I'll be . . ." He stopped abruptly.

" . . . fine? No, you won't." Merry tried to ignore the bitterness in Pippin's voice. "And I don't have to do any more than I already have. We can go back to our room, and you can tell me, whatever it is."

Pippin's sharp teeth worried his bottom lip. "I don't want to ruin this for you," he said finally. "It's your first holiday celebration as Master. You should be enjoying it, letting the people see you and Stel happy and excited together, with Wynne and Cary."

"Pippin, Wynne and Cary went to bed hours ago. Same time as Beryl and Faro. And as for Estel, she'd be just as happy to escape this thing and go check on Dia. You're not going to ruin anything, Pip. You're more important than some silly party, anyway. You know that." He squeezed Pippin's shoulder tightly, since he couldn't kiss him.

Pippin finally looked up, and his lips quirked into something that might have been a smile. "Still nice to hear you say so, Mer," he whispered. His hands gradually relaxed their grip on his mug. "Fine. I'll be waiting for you."

"And I'll be there as soon as I can." He released Pippin, and made his way back into the crowd to find Estella.

She was talking with the Buckland healer, Redbud. Merry waited as patiently as he could for a moment to interrupt. "I'm sorry, Redbud, but would you mind if I stole my wife away for a second?" he asked, with a grin he'd been told was charming.

"Not at all," the healer replied with a laugh. "We'll continue this later, Estella. Always happy to teach you more."

Estella followed Merry a bit away, where they wouldn't be overheard. "Is Pippin all right?" she asked immediately.

Merry shook his head. "I don't know what's wrong, but no. He's not. I told him I was done with the party anyway, and he's waiting in our room. Do you want to leave, too?"

The look Estella gave him spoke volumes, but all she said was, "Yes, Merry. I do. I was so jealous of the little ones, getting to leave hours ago. Dia should be glad she missed it. Would almost be worth being pregnant again," she grumbled.

Merry grinned at that, despite his worry for Pippin. Estella had always outwardly pretended to hate having children, but they both knew better. "Well, too bad we aren't having another one right away, then," he teased gently. "You could escape Lithe celebrations."

She returned the smile. "Pippin's right. You are silly."

The worry returned in full force. "If you're willing to leave, let's go." He put his arm around her, and they made their way from the room, saying good-byes to all. Finally, they were in the corridor outside their rooms.

Estella caught Merry in a quick hug. "Let me know if you need anything," she said, pulling back. "Don't forget that Dia and I are in the room right next to you, and we love you, too."

"Thank you," Merry said, his voice thick. "I don't know what Pip and I did to deserve you . . ."

"Oh, hush," she said. "Dia and I are the lucky ones. Now go in there and help him."

Merry watched her as she disappeared into her room. Technically, it was Pippin and Diamond's. But, of course, he never slept in it. Merry took a deep breath, and pushed open the door to his own set of rooms, trying to prepare himself for what he might find.

Pippin wasn't in the small sitting room, and no light shown from behind the bedroom door. "Pip?" he called softly.

"In here," came the muffled reply.

Merry sighed, locking the door to the hallway behind him. He went into the bedroom. Pippin was huddled in the window seat, staring out at the moon. It was full, and the light shone down through the glass, bathing Pippin in silver. Merry's breath caught a bit at the sight.

Pippin looked up at the noise. The moonlight picked out tracks of silver tears on his cheeks. "Sorry I didn't light the lamp," he said distractedly. "I wanted to look at the moon."

"That's all right, Pip," Merry said, joining him in the window seat and pulling him into his arms. Pippin resisted for a bare moment, than relaxed against him. "The moon is lovely tonight. And so bright on the snow." He wanted to say something else, to ask Pippin what was troubling him, but felt oddly reluctant to break the spell of moonlight and shadow.

Pippin sighed, settling his back more firmly against Merry's chest. "Yes. Bright as day." His shoulders shook suddenly, and choked sobs escaped him.

Merry held him close, rocking gently to break the rhythm of sobs. "Oh, Pip. Pippin-my-love. What's wrong?" he asked, when the tears seemed to slow.

"I . . ." Pippin took a deep breath. "You're happy now, aren't you Merry? I mean, I know you miss your Da, but you enjoy being Master, don't you?"

Merry took the apparent change of subject in stride, knowing how Pippin's mind worked. This was related, in some way. "Yes, I do. The work isn't hard, but it's rewarding. I like being able to help the people who come to me for advice, and I truly enjoy all the farming aspects. To help bring life from the earth, to raise animals." He realized his voice was low and passionate, but didn't alter it. "I was born for this, Pippin. I didn't used to think I was. But after seeing Strider, and Éomer looking out for their people, and knowing I could do it on this scale . . . Yes, Pippin. I am very happy being Master of Buckland."

"You belong here, Merry. I used to be afraid you'd leave, like Frodo," Pippin said very softly. Merry could tell he was still crying. "Now I know you won't. This earth, this place, it's a part of you." He sounded both wistful and angry.

"Of you, too, Pippin," Merry said. "The Shire's in our blood."

"Is it?" And Pippin's voice was harsh. "You were born to be Master, you say. Not just because your father was, but because it's who you are. And me? My father is the Thain and Took, and has forbidden me from entering his sight. To what am I born? What are my skills? I can stand guard, and fight. I can kill when my lord commands. The skills any Thain would need. But what can I do here? I have no skill that any of those at your party need. None that they want, now the shadow has passed." He rubbed his forehead with one hand, pulling away from Merry and staring out the window. "I have no place, Merry. There is no land in my blood."

"Pippin . . ." He laid his hand on Pippin's shoulder, and Pippin jerked it away.

"Don't, Merry. It's not your fault, and it's nothing you've done. But don't touch me. Not right now."

Merry swallowed hard, curling his fingers in around themselves as he pulled his hand back. "Sorry," he said softly, trying not to take it personally. This happened, sometimes, and Merry supposed he should be used to it. But it still hurt.

Pippin stared up at the moon again. "It's so bright," he repeated, his voice distant. "And so far away. That's how it felt, in there tonight," he continued, "the lights and the laughter. As if I could reach out to touch it," and he pressed his hand to the glass, "only to find it was leagues and leagues away from me." He dropped his hand and sighed. "And for the first time, the very first, you were, too. For thirteen years, you've been beside me when the rest of them were far away. I could still touch you. But tonight . . ." His breath caught again, and Merry dared not interrupt him. "Tonight, you were as untouchable as any of them. As happy and bright and alien as every other hobbit in that room, every other hobbit who doesn't understand, who can't understand. And I was watching, alone. So alone."

"You're not alone." Merry whispered, latching on to the one thing he could respond to. "You've told me that often enough, Pippin. It goes both ways."

Pippin smiled mirthlessly, his face oddly shadowed by silver. "But I was alone. Until you noticed, of course," he said, turning to look at Merry. "And you came back. But . . . I envy you, Merry. You have a place again. You can slip back into life here, now. And even with Dia, with the children, I can't. They're hers more than mine, for all that I love them. And what kind of life can I give them? I know you'd let us live here with you forever, Merry, but it doesn't seem right. I was raised to govern, as surely as you. But will I? I've not spoken to my father in two years. Not since Faro was born. And even then, it was to fight. I have no place, Merry," he said again.

"Yes, you do," Merry said. "My arms. My heart. My bed. My life. You have a place, Peregrin Took. You always have. You have a place with me."

Pippin's eyes filled again. Merry reached out to wipe the tears away as they fell, and Pippin let him, leaning into the touch. "Oh, Mer. How do you always know what to say?"

Merry held his arms out, relieved to have found the right words, and Pippin fell into them. "Practice, Impling," he said after a moment. "I've been soothing your tears most of my life."

Pippin snorted a bit at that, pressing against him. "Love you."

"And I love you." He gently lifted Pippin's chin and kissed him. Pippin relaxed into the kiss, into his arms. "What brought all this on, love?" Merry asked, after a long silence.

Pippin sighed, turning so his back was to Merry's chest. He took Merry's hand in his, entwining their fingers. "You know I had a nightmare last night?" he asked, then shook his head. "Of course you do. You probably brought me out of it again, right?"

Merry's arms tightened a bit around him. "Yes, I did," was all he said, but in his mind he could again hear Pippin's choking breath and see his thrashing limbs. It had taken a long time to wake him from it.

Pippin brought Merry's hand to his mouth and kissed it quickly. "I'm sorry, love."

"Don't be." Merry pulled him closer, and dropped a kiss into his curls. "You can't help it anymore than I. And you never let me apologize for keeping you up. Was that what started this?"

Pippin nodded, leaning his head back against Merry's shoulder. "I think so. It's just . . . they don't understand, Merry. They want us to show up in armor and look heroic and be happy all the time. They don't want to hear about the pain, to know I can't sleep in a room without a window, to know why you stay in Crickhollow every March. They don't want to know what it was really like, and I don't want them to. But . . ."

"I know, Impling. I understand."

Pippin smiled a bit, and it was a real smile this time. "I know you do," he said, reaching up to touch Merry's face. The smile slipped a bit. "And that's what scared me tonight," he went on. "Because it was hard to see my Merry, in the Master of Buckland. You do fit here so well, Merry, that it almost felt like you'd never left. That maybe you hadn't been on the quest with me at all. And I couldn't bear it, if I didn't have you."

"Oh, love. Oh, Pippin." Merry held him, tears starting in his own eyes. "You do have me. I was there. I do understand. And I wish . . . I wish you could find the place where you fit, fit as well as I do here."

"So do I." Pippin sighed again. "Take me to bed?"

They moved from the window seat, and helped each other out of party clothes and into night shirts. In bed, Pippin curled around Merry, laying his head on Merry's chest. "Thank you," he said softly.

"For what, Imp?" Merry asked, running his fingers through Pippin's hair.

"For staying with me. For understanding. For loving me."

"I can hardly help the last, Pippin. You're my heart." He sighed. "You're right, though, it is hard, sometimes."

Pippin raised himself on an elbow. "Loving me?" he asked, though he knew that wasn't it.

It got a grin out of Merry all the same. "No, silly. Told you, I can't help myself there." He kissed Pippin quickly. "No," he repeated. "Not loving you. Being around them. Being happy, and joyful, and never talking about why the quest was hard, why it wasn't a great adventure. I can only be myself with you, and Sam."

Pippin nodded, laying his head back down. "At least we have each other," he said softly. "Sam . . ."

"Is stronger than both of us," Merry said. "And Rosie understands more than most, having lived with Frodo." He sighed. "Estel and Dia really do try. But . . ."

"It's not the same," Pippin finished for him. "You know, even if we hadn't been lovers before, I don't think we ever could have had anyone else, after."

"Never wanted anyone else." Merry said, pulling Pippin up to kiss him. "Only you, Pip. Always only you."

"What about Frodo?" Pippin asked with a grin.

"Pippin!" Merry, relieved to hear Pippin tease, reacted accordingly. "That was ages before you, you know that!"

"Still. Means it wasn't only me."

"It is now." Merry said firmly. "It has been since you were old enough. And it will be until we both die. And I wouldn't be surprised if it lasts after that. So no more arguing."

Pippin hid a grin, trying to look penitent and failing miserably. "All right, Merry mine. No more arguing." He kissed Merry, deeply and thoroughly, finally pulling back with a sigh. "I love you so very, very much, Merry Brandybuck."

Merry licked his slightly swollen lips. "And I love you, Pippin Took. I won't leave you alone. I won't leave you without a place. You're mine as surely as I'm yours, and it will be all right."

Pippin's lips trembled, but he smiled. "I believe you," he said softly. "I told you that you always know what to say."

Merry pulled him back into the kiss. "I don't, you know," he said, breaking away after a moment. "I worry, that someday I'll say the wrong thing. That I won't know how to help you, how to comfort you. Every time, I worry."

Pippin traced the edge of Merry's cheek with one finger. "Really?" he asked softly. "But you always do, Merry. You always help me. Even when you don't say anything."

Merry's lips trembled this time. "I try to, Pippin. I try so hard." And suddenly, he was crying and didn't know why.

Pippin pulled Merry into his arms, holding him tightly. "Merry, Merry-love, why are you crying?"

"Don't know," Merry managed between sobs. "It's just, I love you so much. And I hate to see you hurting, see you afraid. I want to make everything better for you, Pippin. I've wanted to since we were children. But there's nothing I can do right now. I can't knock sense into Uncle Paladin, no matter how much I might like to. He wouldn't listen, even if he did agree to see me. Which he won't. I can't help you in this, when it's hurting you so badly. I'm not used to being this helpless. I can help you fight your nightmares, I can massage away your pains. I can listen to you when the memories are too much, just as you do for me. But there's nothing I can do about this. What am I supposed to tell you? How can I say it will all be all right? I hate him for what he's doing to you, Pippin. I have never been so angry, and yet so powerless." His tears fell faster as his anger grew.

Pippin's jaw dropped, and he gaped for a moment. "I . . ." He cleared his throat and started over. "Merry, I . . . I don't know what to say. Having you, knowing you're here for me helps so much. You're not helpless in this, love. Knowing that you love me, that you care that much for me, gives me more than I can tell you. It's enough, Merry. You can't fix this for me. No one can. But you do enough."

"I want to do more," Merry said, still hearing anger in his own voice. "I want to fix this. It isn't fair, Pippin. Not fair to you, to me, or to anyone in Tuckborourgh. The Master of Buckland and the Thain are supposed to at least be on speaking terms. If I get one more letter from Everard asking why I agreed to something I've never even heard of before . . ."

Pippin surprised them both with a laugh. Merry stared at him, amazed. "Sorry, Merry. It's just, I'm so relieved it's not only me that's making you angry with my father."

"Well, no love, it's not." Merry sighed heavily, sitting up and scrubbing his face with both hands. "Of course, if it weren't for us, he'd probably agree to speak with me. But as it is . . ." Merry sighed again. He felt awful. His eyes were puffy and sore, and he needed to blow his nose. And he knew more tears were lurking just below the surface, ready to be released at a moment's notice.

"You look miserable," Pippin said, as if commenting on the weather. He fetched a handkerchief and held it out. "Is there something else?"

Merry blew his nose, feeling like a child. "Isn't this enough?" he asked, and realized to his utter disgust that he was whining. "Besides," he said, "this was supposed to be your evening to be miserable."

Pippin grinned. "Too late, Mer. You cheered me up already. So, out with it. What's troubling you, love?"

"It's . . . you hit on it earlier, Pip. I miss my da." And yes, his tears were very close to the surface, for they started again at this. "This is the first Yule I've been without him since, well, since the quest. And the first I've ever spent here at the Hall without him. And I do love being Master, but, it was so much easier when it was just practice, and I could go to him to ask for help. And Uncle Paladin talked to him. They had screaming rows about us, but they talked. I'm supposed to have a say with him, Pippin. And Sam is being run ragged going back and forth between us. I'm doing everything I can to make it easier for him, but . . . Uncle Paladin won't talk to me. About anything. He doesn't write. Not to me."

"Not to me, either," Pippin said softly. He pulled Merry against him, and Merry rested his head on Pippin's shoulder. "I miss Uncle Saro, too, Mer. Not as much as you, I'm sure, but . . . I miss him." He rubbed Merry's back and Merry thought he might have shed a tear or two of his own. "Did they really fight about us?" he asked.

"Aye. Often. I heard the last one. It was not long before . . . before Da died. Uncle Paladin was here, you remember."

Pippin nodded. " ‘Course I do. That's why I stayed in Crickhollow for two solid weeks. Because he didn't want to see me."

"He didn't want to see me, either," Merry said, slipping his arms around Pippin's waist. "Brushed right past me as if I wasn't even there, and confronted Da in his bedroom. I was still in the sitting room, and I heard the whole thing."

"What, what did they say?" Pippin sounded as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to know or not.

"Quite a bit that I'll not repeat. But, Pippin, Da said he was proud of you, just as proud as he'd ever been of me. And that if Uncle Paladin couldn't recognize that his son was among the best in the Shire, he was a bigger fool than any had given him credit for."

"Oh," Pippin's voice was something between amazement and sorrow. "He really said that about me?"

"Yes, Pippin. My da loved you." Merry raised his head, and saw Pippin did indeed have tears in his eyes.

"Oh, Merry, I wish . . ."

"I know. So do I." He kissed Pippin gently.

"At least _he_ accepted us, even if we did have to get married." Pippin sounded very tired.

"Ah, but if we hadn't gotten married, we wouldn't have the little ones," Merry said, gently easing them both down flat on the bed, feeling very tired himself. It had been a long day, and an unexpectedly difficult evening. "And I wouldn't give them up for the world."

"Neither would I." Pippin yawned. "Yours or mine."

Merry smiled, drawing Pippin closer to him, listening to his soft breathing. It gradually slowed and deepened. He raised himself on one elbow, and gently pushed Pippin's curls off his forehead. He watched his love's face in the moonlight, the still visible tear tracks causing his heart to ache. "I love you so, Impling," he said very softly, when he was sure Pippin had fallen asleep. "So very, very much. I couldn't bear it, either, without you."

Pippin's lips curled in a smile, and he reached up and pulled Merry down atop him. "I love you, too, Merry. And you'll never have to. I'm not going anywhere. My place is with you."


End file.
